Words Shape Your World. Learn How to Gain Control of the Narrative.
The words we use shape how we experience the world. Language is incredibly powerful, and our bodies respond differently to the same event depending on how we use words to describe what we are experiencing. This is true whether or not the words are ever spoken aloud. Our internal voice exerts tremendous influence over our mood and impacts the likelihood that we can experience joy versus just relief.
Have you ever eaten ice cream because you ‘have to’? Probably not. If you don’t enjoy ice cream, you don’t eat it. It is unlikely you would ever use the words ‘have to’ when talking about the opportunity to consume this delectable treat.
How about attending a sporting event for your child? I know I’ve said on more than one occasion, that I ‘have to’ go to the game. But I don’t really mean that…I ‘want to’ go to that game…I’m pleased that I ‘get to’ go to that game. But if I’ve said aloud or in my head that I ‘have to’ go to the game, will I experience the game the same way that I would have if I had set it up as a ‘want to’ or a ‘get to’?
Perhaps surprisingly, the answer is ‘no’. I am likely to experience the entire event in a very different way if I’ve framed it as a ‘have to’. I might be glad that I attended. I might be relieved that I made it in time. I might be pleased to have the opportunity. But I will likely also be thinking about the other things I could be doing and only partially present. I am unlikely to truly recognize this as a choice and a privilege if I’ve teed it up as a ‘have to’.
Why does it matter? How does it matter?
The reason our experience is different based on how we talk to ourselves and others about the why behind the what, is driven by the two core behavioral systems in our brain. The brain is both complex and shockingly simple. We can divide it into four categories. The brainstem keeps all systems running. The forebrain helps us make sense of the world and do all the cool stuff humans can do that other species cannot.
The reward system drives us toward things in our world that we experience as positive and generally increases behaviors. The survival system keeps us away from bad things that can hurt us or kill us.
The engagement of the reward versus the survival systems are what we tap into when we use ‘want to’ versus ‘have to’ language.
We learn these patterns early in childhood. Think about what behaviors you learned were ‘have to’ items.
You have to brush your teeth or you will get cavities.
You have to look both ways before crossing the street or you will be hit by a car.
You have to do your homework or you will fail at school.
You have to be careful near the stove or you will be burned.
Now think about the ‘want to’ and the ‘get to’ phrases from your childhood.
You get to go to the park today and play!
I want to play outside!
We get to go on vacation to the beach!
I want to eat ice cream!
The ‘have to’ statements are tied to AVOIDING something terrible that could happen to you. We don’t feel joy and rewarding feelings when we remember to brush our teeth. At best, we feel relief that we have avoided the terrible fate of tooth decay and dentures. It is unlikely that one can feel joy and fulfillment if they live their entire life by avoiding the bad things. When we tell ourselves we ‘have to’ do something, we are telling ourselves that we are living a life driven by avoidance and FEAR of bad things.
The ‘want to’ and ‘get to’ statements are tied to DRIVE towards something to an experience of REWARD. We don’t feel relief when we eat ice cream, we feel pleasure and perhaps even joy.
Our brains are extremely efficient and look for every opportunity to anticipate and prepare for the right response. This is true for the things we are aware of doing like making a mental list of what you need to buy at the store. AND it is also true for the things we don’t consciously know we are doing.
When we engage the ‘have to’ functions of our brain we are turning on the responses that we have linked to survival. The amygdala bumps into high gear to make sure you are ready to respond to any challenges that threaten survival and pushes you to avoid any danger and increases fearfulness generally. The stress response systems pump up to make sure you have all the resources at the ready for action, if you succumb to some terrible fate. And because the brain can’t do all things at the same time, ramping up these systems for survival interferes with the ability to feel rewarding feelings. When we turn these systems on by telling ourselves we ‘have to’, when really we ‘want to’, we rob ourselves of the prospect of joy and cause ourselves to at best experience something much closer to relief.
Try it out! How many ‘have to’ events have you introduced into your life that are really ‘want to’ or even ‘get to’ events? If you make a conscious effort to reframe the language and remind yourself in your head and aloud that you ‘want to’ and that you even ‘get to’, will you start to feel differently? Will you find some of the joy that you have lost hiding behind one tiny word that is tricking your brain into experiencing the world in crisis mode?
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